My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
