dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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