My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
