Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
