i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
where are my eyebrows?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
