smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
