I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
