I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
