I think my fart just growled at me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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