Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
