It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
