Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
