I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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