if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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