I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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