I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
