I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
