we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
