At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
