The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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