I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
