the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I need a burrito and a hug.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
