Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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