You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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