I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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