im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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