Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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