Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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