I wish I could punch you in the face.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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