he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
