you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
