Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
