please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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