I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
