nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
