Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
this is an emotional support booty call
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
