Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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