you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize