Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
