I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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