we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
