he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
