Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
