wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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