You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize