I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
