I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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