nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
