All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i love accidental penises.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
