meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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