I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
