I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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