her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
