i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
