So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
