My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
